Feaverish

This is what the weather’s been like for the last week. March in Portland is usually wetter, to say the least. (By way of contrast, if I were to tip the scales of exaggeration in the other direction, I would say something like “They filmed The Perfect Storm on the street outside my office!” And then wait for laughter.)

With the nice weather comes a shedding of clothes, but thanks to the unusually early warmth this year, most of us are looking like we could have used a few more weeks months at the gym before exposing our tanned and perfectly sculpted navels. My own navel, for instance, is still trying to find an angle of repose. Should I tuck most of it into my pants, with only the slightest flirtatious hint peering hirsutely over my straining belt? Or should I just obey the laws of physics and allow it to rest on the front of my jeans like a normal fatty? April may be the cruelest month, but being pudgy in March is no picnic either.

Here’s a fun rainy-day activity. Try to figure out how many calories a 6’3” 26 year old male with a 12-mile daily bike commute (on a one-speed bike) needs to consume in order to gain weight. For extra credit, convert those calories to bottles of BridgePort Brewing’s India Pale Ale.

At least I’m contributing to the levity (ah ha!) and high spirits (oh ho ha!) of the world. I mean, if the movies have taught us one thing, it’s that fat guys on bicycles are funny. Especially if they have some kind of misadventure involving steep hills, faulty brakes, ball-bearing salesmen, and plate-glass window movers.