Feaverish

I got fingered by the fuzz this morning on my bike ride to work. According to the po-po I was “running a red light.” Whatever that means. Evidently Whitey has nothing better to do these days than pull over nearly-innocent bike commuters. Here’s a blow-by-blow transcript:

The Man: [getting out of his berry] Last time I checked, that’s a vehicle you’re piloting.

Our Hero: [dismounting from piloted vehicle] What’s it to ya, Oinkers? [makes pig noise, then more pig noises, then a prolonged pig noise, then tries and fails to accurately reproduce the sound of bacon frying]

The Man: [reaching for Taser™] That’s it! Spread ‘em, scofflaw. [flashing Abu Ghraib grin™] Or I’ll make you.

Our Hero: [brandishing bike chain] You and what army, 5-0?

The Man: [twirling Taser™ around on index finger] Punk. Your mouth’s writin’ checks your chain can’t cash.

Our Hero: [spinning bike chain overhead] Your ass is writing ch. . .

And that’s all I remember, since just then I was Tasered™ and passed out. Evidently I was laboring under the misapprehension that you had to actually touch someone with a Taser™ to zap ‘em. Turns out they can shoot you with it. From quite a distance. Like, a distance greater than a whirling bike chain.

Oh and speaking of bikes, I just found this blog, which appears to be written by another indie-rock–loving Portland cyclist. Weird. I feel so . . . un-unique. I mean, this is Portland! I thought I was the only one.

“So besides being electrocuted, what’s been going on?”

Well, thanks to Plastic Bugs I’ve been playing the smallest game of Pacman ever and reading these hilarious seller feedback comments on eBay.

I also really enjoyed the arial photography of Alex MacLean courtesy of Tom McMahon.

I scored 9 out of 10 (A-!!!) on the Arial or Helvetica? quiz (the capitals are tough), but I don’t remember how I found out about it.

And Simplebits was kind enough to point me in the direction of these Napoleon Dynamite quotes. However, I don’t recall on which of my many internet travels I chanced upon the Napoleon Dynamite Soundboard.

“Let the spiral of boredom begin!”

This afternoon I walked into the coffee shop humming “Here Comes the Sun” by the V.U. and was shocked — yes, shocked! — to hear it playing on the store’s sound system. I walked out, then walked back in humming “Me So Horny,” but it didn’t work. Also, that song is really hard to hum.

In related news, “Here Comes the Sun” is the second song today I’ve initially mistaken for a Beatles song. The first was “When You’re Loved Like You Are” by Of Montreal. Could this be less interesting? Yes:

I also noticed how back-pocket–placement on pants can make a big difference regarding the appearance of your butt. For instance, pockets that are spaced too far from the crack-seam make your butt look huge, like your ass is about to explode out your jeans. My own ass has joined forces with my love handles to form a kind of “super-ass” that goes halfway up my back. Flimsy chairs you have been warned.

Update!

A coworker just sent me this hilarious link to an item for sale on Amazon. As if the product itself isn’t funny enough, be sure to read the reviews at the bottom. Priceless.