Feaverish

The other day I was looking at my Amazon recommendations and saw the following:

Calculator recommendations based on book choice? That’s funny, I don’t remember any calculators in Their Eyes Were Watching God. (I do remember a woman shooting her rabid husband, though.) “These Amazon recommendations are truly ludicrous,” I said to myself. “Such a preposterous event must needs be blogged. Why, this is the very kind of observation—one gently poking fun at a foibled attempt by modern man to automate his life—that you’d find on the hallowed pages of such estimable bloggers as Jason Kottke or Andy Baio.” I could already picture the headlines:

AMAZON RECOMMENDATIONS GONE WILD
Heretofore Unknown Internet Diarist Documents Entire Spectacle on Blog, Becomes Overnight Celebrity

I ran into the bedroom where L was taking a nap and shook her awake. “Come, come, you must see what I’ve found!” I dragged her to the computer and showed her the screenshots I’d taken. “We’re going to be rich. Rich, baby! Adsense ads, banner ads, flashing popups! We’ll have it all. The whole Dooce treatment. I want you to call your boss right this minute and tell him you quit. Girlfriends of famous bloggers don’t need to work! Wahahahaha!”

L made a face. The kind of face you make at a retarded dog trying to squeeze through a too-small hole in a fence. “That’s super, sweetie,” she said, patting my shoulder, “but we teach all those books in high school. And kids need graphing calculators in high school.” I cocked my head to one side and scrunched up my face, confused. “I think Amazon just thinks you’re in high school.”

L went back to her nap and I sat and stared at the computer for a long, long time, heartbroken, until I remembered that if there’s one thing my loyal readers like better than clever observations, it’s self-deprecation. Hence this post.